Four Steps to Feeling Better About Your Own Tragic Sex Life.

When I heard that The Edit was puting out an issue based entirely around sex I thought, ‘wow, that has like a million different ways to go wrong.’ Well, after researching this article, I now spend most of my time thinking, ‘wow, I sort of hate myself,’ and ‘…I wonder if I could have sex with that.’

Fortune favours the bold.

Fact: I have watched enough romantic comedies starring Hollywood’s hunky Ryan Reynolds to now be legally considered the owner and operator of my very own vagina, and for this reason, I was able to look at the following sexual niches objectively and without the risk of gender-bias. As far as regular bias goes…Look, you weren’t there. If you had seen even half the things I am now aware a human penis can fit inside you would be watching Schindler’s List and wondering why no one else had an erection, too. But how do you even draw a line between a bit of light-hearted kink and there-were-no-survivors sexual lunacy? Two ways:

One is to assume that you are a person of normal sexual appetites. Okay, you’ve maybe asked your partner to stick a finger up there once or twice before, but just for a second and just to see how it feels. That’s okay, no one’s judging you (except the Baby Jesus).

"Seriously, man, what the fuck?"

That reference works for both sexes, by the way. So, now that we’ve established you are both healthy and erotically charged I want you to imagine a simple sex scene; just straight up intercourse. Now, one by one, start adding things to this scene that, ordinarily, would never be found near human genitalia in any situation, sexual or otherwise. Golf clubs, light threshing machinery, James Corden… Just anything you can think of. Continue adding things like this until the chance of maintaining an erection approaches naught and you have found your sexual subculture. (For any ladies reading, replace ‘erection’ in the last sentence with ‘lady erection’ and follow the same advice. You’re welcome.)

That’s one way to define a sexual subculture, but a far quicker method is to imagine a parent of your choosing, let’s say your favourite and therefore most understanding parent, catching you watching porn of said fetish. Now, calculate how long it would take before they were willing to look you in the eye again. When the number approaches naught, that being a situation wherein said parent could use the phrase ‘I DON’T HAVE A SON/DAUGHTER’ you have your answer, easy as that.

Now that we are equipped to segment the sexual deviant market, let’s don the hip-waders and dive right in. (Coincidentally, ‘Vaginal Scuba Diving’ was one of the many practices that didn’t make this list, but look for it in future articles, ‘The Top Ten Least Romantic Ways to Murder Your Spouse’ and ‘Things Charlie Sheen Actually Considers Real Sports’.)

Wetsuit, check. Breathing apparatus, check. Tiny knife, gotcha. Complete lack of self-respect, done.

Furries
For those of you not in the know, and I’d like to recommend you to take this opportunity to enjoy the last five seconds of you not knowing this, Furries are people who like to dress up as animals( often famous cartoon ones) and have sex with each other. This shouldn’t be confused with bestiality, that is the actual act of sex with an animal and which was, like several other more exotic practices, omitted from this list on account of it being illegal, immensely fucked up and actually more of a sort of weird bloodsport than any kind of sexual niche.

No, it's totally cool. I was sick of all those fond childhood memories, anyway.

The scariest part about the whole Furry thing, though, is the anonymity of it all. Literally anyone over the age of consent could be a closet Furry. Think about that the next time you look your lecturer in the eye or are out on that all important first date. Does this person have the synthetic fur of an animal hanging up in their wardrobe at home? Are they wearing it right now, under their regular, people clothes? Are they one novelty-sized tigers head away from the worst drunken sex you ever had? Unfortunately, you’ll never know until precisely after it’s too late.

Adult Babies
It started off simple enough: a wife running back into the house to pick up her briefcase only to find her husband wearing an adult-sized nappy and sucking on a dummy, proudly strutting around in front of the mirror like a female impersonator practising lip-syncing to I Am What I Am. She was, understandably, horrified and ran out the room before he noticed her. It didn’t mention if she ever got that briefcase.

Fuck you, briefcase. Fuck you so fucking much.

Now she was writing to Dear Deidre asking whether she should confront him, or consider the benefits held by a bright new future in having a mid-life crisis. This is where things got real though, because Deidre honestly didn’t have a clue what to tell her. Every instinct in her body was screaming at her to reply with ‘Dear Poor Bitch: Grab the kids. Grab the dog. Grab whatever food your husband hasn’t tried to have sex with yet and put as much distance between yourselves and this fruit loop as you can before he invites all the Furries in the neighbourhood over to play Muppet Babies.’

Pictured: Your bright new future.

In the end, Deidre cobbled together a bog standard reply that didn’t really help anyone, once and for all proving that the best way to sort out a personal trauma is definitely telling a national newspaper about it.

Real Dolls
Real Dolls, as the name suggests, are hyper-realistic alternatives for having sex with a real lady or going to Heaven. I am not exaggerating when I say this is maybe the saddest and most terrifying activity on the planet. You could explain Real Dolls to a patient in the terminal bone cancer ward of any hospital and their last words as they watched their heart monitor slow to a halt would be ‘Wow…So…Glad…I’m not…That guy.’

"You have five days to live. On the plus side, you don't fuck rubber people...Up high."

Let’s talk numbers for a second. A decent Real Doll will set you back in and around the amount of five-thousand pounds. Now, using the going rate for hooker vagina (which I am told from reliable sources is about fifty pounds) or, alternatively, the cost of entry to Campus, three blue WKD’s and a taxi back to your house, you could buy yourself sex with a real live woman approximately infinity times before you broke even on the price of that horrifying, dead-eyed waxwork sitting in your living room right now.

The going rate for modern love is about five quid, these days.

One of the creepiest things about the owners of Real Dolls, though, is that some of them treat their dolls like real people. Actually, I’d say that the only thing stranger than the idea of men grooming harems of plastic women would be that some of them have living, breathing girlfriends as well, and most of them aren’t even chained to the wall in the basement and almost all of them don’t even need to dress like their boyfriend’s dead mother. I honestly can’t fathom a woman that would be content to play second fiddle to the population of the Uncanny Valley. Science doesn’t have a word for standards that low, but if they did it would be ‘Kerry Katona’.

If all this sounds familiar to you, though, it’s because it’s the plot of Psycho and the first item on the scavenger hunt list of every single real life serial killer. If you still don’t believe me, watch this video and just try telling me the guy that appears at 2:10 doesn’t look exactly like Buffallo fucking Bill.

Dogging/Swingers
Have you ever thought ‘well, sex with my loving girlfriend is great and all…but I just wish there was some way to involve horny strangers, perhaps in a car park of some sort.’? If so, then dogging is for you! Also, congratulations, you are a horrible pervert! You might be wondering how perhaps the best known and arguably weakest sexual fetish managed to top the list, beating out far more perverted things to do with your genitals. Well, the short answer is that I originally intended this to be a list of six, but found the word count quickly swelling and decided to cut two of the entries. And, besides, it’s sex in a car while strangers watch you. That’s pretty weird, even to someone who’s had to read intimately detailed erotic fiction about Harry Potter.

In the story I read, this scene ends with a totally sweet slap bass solo. And lots of gay sex.

I’ll concede that Swingers parties generally have a tiny bit more class about them than fucking in the back of a Ford Focus, but at the end of the day you’re still saying, ‘would someone please have sex with my wife while I watch? I’m forty years old and I don’t think I hate my life enough!’ The thing that’s always confused me the most, though, is how that conversation ever came up in the first place.

How many nights did a wife suffer through her husband thumbing in a softy before, with a long-suffering sigh, uttering those magic words, ‘Oh, fine then…let’s go have anonymous sex with complete strangers.’? Maybe one morning at the breakfast table the husband just casually slips it into conversation: ‘Dear, you know how you’re always saying we don’t see John and Mary from the office nearly enough? And you know how you say that John is so, so funny? Well, don’t you think it would be really funny if you were to have sex with John on the floor of a Travelodge while Mary & I struggled valiantly into the tear-choked gasps of a forced orgasm in the bed opposite? Honey? It looks like you’re crying. Did I not explain the part where we openly commit adultery together? Let me start again…’

Was it something I said?

Well, that’s it. I hope you enjoyed reading my list as much as I didn’t enjoy researching it. Just a quick disclaimer: if you, the reader, fall into any of the categories on this list and are offended then I am sorry and please do not try to have sex with me.

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