The Future of Gaming: Nintendo’s Three Most Useless Wii Accessories

Nintendo has been riding high on it’s wave of innovative bullshit for about five years now. They have brought hundreds of thousands of new gamers into the market and, thanks to this new demographic, anyone who grew up playing video games now gets to enjoy watching Nintendo shamelessly re-package their thirty year old sand and sell it to the beach.

“Yesterdays games are tomorrows profit. Thanks a lot, dickheads!” - Nintendo Marketing Dept.

That’s the recently released Super Mario All Stars 25th Anniversary Edition. It contains Super Mario Bros., Super Mario Bros. 2, Super Mario Bros. 3 and Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels on one disc, apparently to help out people who ‘missed out on them the first time around‘. Actually…

Well, fuck.

That, for those of you who don’t know, is the original Super Mario All Stars, released in the UK in 1993. Just like the one for the Wii, it was the same collection of games that had previously been released as seperate titles. I’m no mathemagician, but I estimate Nintendo has made approximately infinity pounds off the back of this, (calculations made using the current exchange rate from Japan Yen to the British Pound.)

So, the new edition then is presumably for people who missed all those games the first time around. Then the first time they released the compilation. Then in the intervening 18 year period when the ROM’s became readily available all over the internet and faithful reproductions were made on several Flash gaming sites (but that is all totally illegal so I know nothing about that. At all.) Then when Nintendo released them all on the Wii‘s Virtual Console in 2007… Do you know what, if it’s taken you almost twenty years to play Super fucking Mario then you clearly have more important things to do with your time, like heroin or sex with ladies.

“Man, as soon as this whole heroin thing blows over, I’m gonna get my fucking Zelda on.”

I don’t want to paint the picture that Nintendo are purely interested in making preposterous amounts of money, it’s rapidly becoming more likely that they just really, really have no fucking idea what is going on, anymore. For example, in the midst of coming up with new ways of re-packaging Mario to the over 50’s (personally, I would have started with ‘Hey, remember playing this on your NES?’) they also found the time to innovate the shit out of their new controller.

“Pew! Pew!”

That’s the Wiimote in what is actually a third party peripheral but I used it instead of Nintendo’s own offering because it looks like a piece of broken exercise equipment and is apparently impossible to use if you have the arms of a normal human being. The main reason I am showing you this photo is because, well…

“Pew! Pew! This fucking sucks.”

That’s the Nintendo Light Gun, together with a copy of Super fucking Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt, which was first released in 1984, and which as far as I’m aware (because I’m only 23) was pretty much the only game the Light Gun worked with. So, while Microsoft were coming up with a product that more industrious members of the public have been able to turn into what is essentially an electronic Jesus, Nintendo has been investing time and money into creating products they invented almost three decades ago.

I have just remembered that this is meant to be a countdown, but before I get back on track, let me leave you with this story, just to really try and give you an idea of the nature of the beast you are dealing with. In recent interviews and speeches, both the heads of Nintendo Japan and America basically said that the flood of low-quality shit being let into the gaming community was detrimental to the industry. Interesting, let’s take a quick look at some of Nintendo’s recent releases…

The God of Irony just fell backwards out his chair. Which, ironically, was an orthopaedic chair for his chronic back pain.

Now, while I set up the rest of the article, just take a minute to work out how much any given one of those games cost to make, and you should arrive at the conclusion that Nintendo either has no idea what is being released under it’s name anymore, or that it just straight up doesn’t give a fuck.

3 The Wii Fit

I’m going to be completely honest here: I have never, ever tried the Wii Fit. As well as that, everyone I’ve talked to about using it has waxed poetic about how wonderful it is. Hell, even Helen Mirren loves it, and she’s Helen fucking Mirren.

“Wii Fit: Because regular scales don’t cost enough money.”

The thing is, though, and this will be a problem going forward, (because Nintendo still hasn’t seemed to grasp that the majority of people they’ve attracted to the community are only here for the gimmicks and will depart as soon as the novelty wears off,) everyone I know who owns one stopped talking about it after maybe a month at most; suggesting to me that they also stopped using it.

So now, like the singing Elvis clock your weird uncle brought you back from Benidorm, the Wii Fit board is sitting at the back of a cupboard like so many shitty board games, or uncomfortably stuffed down the side of the television unit, just waiting to precipitate a trip to casualty after some drunken Wii Fit sex goes awry.

"It'll be fine, I thumbed through a couple pages of the Kama Sutra once; I'm practically a sex expert. Sexpert, if you will."

Here’s my point: if you want to lose weight or keep fit, exercise. You don’t need a fucking computer to tell you that running on the spot for fifteen minutes will make you less of a flabby disappointment to your friends and family. When I started to put on weight, I decided to walk more often and start lifting weights. I didn’t need the Wii to weigh me and tell me how much of a fat fuck I was, I got off my arse and did it myself. But I realise that perhaps you don’t have the same iron will as me, so for you I have sourced the next best thing:

“Does anyone even remember who I am?”

Go into any charity shop and you’ll probably be able to pick up a VHS like this for about two quid. Congratulations, you just saved £68, maybe spend it on being less of a fucking idiot in the future.

Worst Offender: “The Biggest Loser: Challenge because it actually features a ‘controller-free’ mode, making it literally just a fucking workout video.

(Disclaimer: I am not responsible for you having to build a time machine and travel back to 1995 to find a VCR to play that tape on, nor am I responsible for any irreparable damage you may cause to the space-time continuum through your actions. Thank you.)

2 U-Draw

People who know me will be aware that I’m quite a keen artist, and so it may seem hypocritical of me to attack the Wii’s half-arsed stab at a graphics tablet when I own a real one that actually cost twice as much as their effort, (bling bling, ladies). But once again, while I must confess that I haven’t actually used the U-Draw, I can tell just by watching the advert that it is a massive piece of shit.

Fuck. You.

First of all, I don’t understand why Nintendo insists on shoe-horning the Wiimote into products that don’t seem to actually need it. They did this with the Guitar Hero controller as well, and it makes them look like those shitty home-made controllers created for wildly impractical reasons and that usually end up electrocuting the cat or burning down someone’s garage.

"On the plus side, I can now play Battletoads with my feet."

Anyway, to get back on-topic: Seriously, fuck the U-Draw. The drawing space is so small you’ll spend more time moving the canvas around than you will actually drawing on the damn thing, and the retarded chunky design means you’ll at best be looking at a 5-year-old-with-learning-difficulties level of artwork, even if you are a fucking superstar like me.

Pictured: My attempt at drawing on the U-Draw. Also Pictured: My excellent physique.

But you might say that these are just petty grievances regarding a product I clearly made up my mind about without ever intending to try it, and that other people without a professional interest in art might have a lot of fun with. And then, they went and did this:

You have got to be fucking kidding.

Pictionary. Fucking Pictionary! You are now paying the combined total of £85 (based on RRP) to play Pictionary on your Wii. Oh, and here’s something I didn’t mention earlier on. You know a graphics tablet? Yeah, it’s not like drawing with a regular pen. The fact that you can’t see what you are drawing on the tablet itself, only on the TV, takes a lot of getting used to and as for the pen, itself, it’s like going from writing ‘Happy Birthday’ on a post-it note with a biro to translating the Dead Sea Scrolls into German with a quill and ink. That analogy works better if you don’t speak German, by the way.

Maybe I’m exaggerating slightly, I’m sure your shitty drawings are going to be just as shitty no matter where or how you draw them, which neatly ties in with my final point: I’ve never understood why anyone would buy regular Pictionary. Literally all you need to play it is a surface to draw on, something to draw with and a fucking imagination.


Maybe if Nintendo spent less time green-lighting projects like this, they wouldn’t have to out-source properties that are actually succesful to companies infamous for being more interested with tits than engaging storylines or game mechanincs.

Worst Offender: Fucking Pictionary.

1 The Fucking Wii Its-fucking-self.

Some of you probably saw this coming, but seriously, the Wii is so God damn pointless. Its entire existence is based on the premise of the motion control gimmick, which means that even the few decent games that have been released for it are weighted down with needless spastic flailing and gestures that make you look like your wanking off a severed robot’s cock.

That's it. Work the shaft, you filthy bitch.

Not content with fucking up their own legacy, though, they’ve now got Sony and Microsoft clambering after them to join the motion-control fucktard brigade. I’m not the first to say it and I know I won’t be the last, but motion-controls really are a dead end for gaming, because anyone who really, seriously plays video games does it for the same reason they watch a film or read a book: to relax and be entertained. I would have enjoyed my Dark Knight Imax experience a whole lot less if they’d had a fire drill every twenty minutes and made us assemble in the car park to do mass exercise programs like those videos of North Korea.

These guys are actually South Korean, but when you Google 'North Korea exercise' and this comes up, you better fucking believe that you use it.

But really, this is all just disguising my biggest problem with the Wii, which is that, like so many women, it lied to me. It lied to me and I took those lies like a sweaty tramp sucking dicks in the bathroom of McDonald’s. When I saw the promo videos leading up to its release, I really believed that the future of gaming was here, and it sort of was, if the future was Mad Max.

Let’s see how many times I can recycle this image.

Nothing about the Wii worked when it was released. The controls didn’t respond to your actions and, even though the Wii MotionPlus has apparently fixed this, I stopped caring about three years ago. Like with the release of each progressively more depressing Sonic the Hedgehog game, Nintendo have spent the last 15 years promising the world on a silver platter and serving up Bulgaria and a half-eaten pork pie in an old pizza box. (For the purposes of that joke, Bulgaria is not a nice place to live. I have nothing against Bulgaria or its peoples. I don’t even know where Bulgaria is.)


Also, they have a lion for a king. So that's pretty cool.

The N64 ultimately failed, the games were too expensive to produce which meant they cost twice as much as competitors, and that was when they even bothered to release any (the ratio was literally about one good game per year). Then they started making waves with the Dolphin project, which turned into the Gamecube, which no one bought and even less people played. Again, this featured a treacle-slow release schedule, but also let Nintendo make a start on re-hashing their old titles, a trend they proudly continue to this day.

And yet, somehow, I keep falling for it, and with each successive console release, and the subsequent disappointment, I’ve grown more and more jaded; becoming cynical about any promise Nintendo makes. In the end, I guess what I’m trying to say is that Nintendo is the physical embodiment of the broken dreams of my childhood that ultimately shaped me into the barely-functioning, semi-retarded, half-genius you all know and love today.

This is what your actions have wrought.

Thanks a lot Nintendo, you bunch of dicks.

Worst Offender: Pretty much everything.

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