My CV – A Crash Course in Awesome.

I’m Rob. People tend to like me, or at the very least find me curious to look at; kind of like an exotic bird, like a Puffin or a Flamingo. I like to think my CV is a little bit different, any mug can say he’s a hardworking individual, but how many of them are willing to tell you they once drank an entire pint of Guinness in one go? None, that’s how many, because I’m the only person who’s ever done that and lived. So herein lies a comprehensive list of how I’ve academically spent the last four years of my life, as well as my employment history.

Glasgow Caledonian University (2008-Present)
I’m currently in my third year studying for a Bachelor of Arts in Marketing at Glasgow Cali. Most people would tell you that studying Marketing has given them a lot of insight into the business environment and so they’re perfect to work for you. Those people are liars. For the uninitiated, let me bring you up to speed on what I’ve learned so far: people like to buy stuff; the best way to make people buy stuff is to make them want the stuff you are selling.

Now, I don’t want to come across as some sort of academic genius and incredibly handsome man, but I had figured that out around about the time I was annoying my mum to buy me Hungry, Hungry Hippos for the fifth Christmas in a row (Update: As of Christmas 2010, I am yet to receive even one hippo, Hungry, Hungry or otherwise.)

As is customary, before moving on to my employment history you might be interested in knowing the Highers I achieved when I was still young enough to get a half on the bus. You know, incase you need a Higher Art & Design student to do you a charcoal drawing of a shoe, or something:

Higher Grades Attained at Coltness High School:
MATHS                     B
ENGLISH                     B
ART & DESIGN                 B

Previous Employment
Summer 2009 : ‘Working with the Professor’ OR ‘Burglar Who Wins The Pools Award for “Most Obscene Stroke of Luck”’

During my first year of uni, I had to complete an absurd module called Personal Development & Self Presentation or some other fruity sounding new-age rubbish, and this culminated in writing an essay about your hopes, dreams and aspirations. Naturally, I spent 2,500 words writing a love letter to myself and, possibly due to some sort of cosmic alignment, instead of telling me to write the essay again or just straight up expelling me, the head of Fashion & Marketing paid me £250 to write a report about the internet and student blogging.

I’ve since become a regular contributor to The Edit magazine published by the university, and I publish the un-abridged versions of my work online, although I’d rather you not look at those until after you decide whether or not you want me to work for you, (although, now you’re here, you can read them at your leisure, if you really want.)

August 2007 – October 2008: ‘The Asda Young Team’

I can’t honestly say I took many transferable skills away from my time at Asda, aside from my ability to lift heavy things. What I did manage to develop, however, was my strong work ethic. It was a work ethic so strong, in fact, that management decided to remove everyone else for the Beers, Wines & Spirits department and give me all their work to do as well, but for the same pay as before. I was fine with that though, I like to be kept busy.
I left Asda in 2008 to focus on my studies at Glasgow Caledonian University.

May 2007- August 2007: ‘In the beginning, there was Morrisons, and it was alright.’

I really only put this in to fill the gap in my timeline, but here goes: during my brief spell at Morrisons I was mainly placed in the wines and spirits section, responsible for keeping the aisle clean, the shelves stocked and tidy and handling customer enquiries in regards to the department. I also made a totally sweet giant ‘T’ out of boxes of Tennents in the spirit of T in the Park. The security guard was well impressed.

In Summing Up…

That brings us to the end of what I like to think is, at least, a unique take on the CV. I hope that even if you don’t want to give me an interview you at least had fun reading it. Or maybe when I gave it to you did that thing where you say ‘I’ll pop that in our special filing cabinet’ and dropped it right in the bin. If you did, though, you wouldn’t be reading this now, so I guess it’s pointless bringing it up. Or, if you’re reading this online, you’d have to push your computer into the bin, and that would just be stupid. Don’t do that.

Anyway, references are available upon request, as well as anything else I’ve talked about writing that you are interested in reading. I’ll draw you a picture too, if you want; I do an awesome ‘Duck on a Jet Ski’.

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3 Responses to My CV – A Crash Course in Awesome.

  1. I’d hire you 🙂 All CVs are the same, either incredibly dull or just so god damn awful to the point where I’m tempted to ring them up and point out their grammatical errors. Thankfully my sense of duty only extends to reading the thing, which is bad enough if you ask me.

    • robsimple says:

      Haha thanks, I feel the dual benefit of writing a CV that makes me stand out is that it also means the person in charge of reading CV’s has to see ‘I work well alone or as part of a team’ one less time a day.

  2. Shoot me now, for that is officially the 100th time I’ve read that. I feel a fan fare of party poppers and those toot things… people blow, seriously what are they called? I just googled party toot things but to no avail… anyway yeh those things are in order, along with a banner that says congrats, you are our 100th mundane – not getting a job with us ever – applicant 😀
    I just realised the 100th one was probably long ago, that’s depressing 😦

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