So, Christmas is just around the corner and you’ve done it again. Every year you swear you’ll get your shopping out of the way in September and every December 24th you are charging into shops, elbows first, ready and willing to take the life of another human because you’ll be damned if the last spice rack is going to that hatchet-faced bitch clawing at your ankles.
Well, worry no more dear friends. Using a magazine that came in the post, I have compiled a list that will make sure you never have to fret about buying gifts for anyone ever again. (Disclaimer: You will, however, have to come to terms with dying alone and hated.)
Loveable Solar Dog Light
Do you often find yourself thinking, ‘I wish I had a way to let my friends know that the skins of dead relatives are drying in my attic without having to chase them around the garden with a hammer‘? Then congratulations: this is the gift for you, you lunatic!
Available in Alsatian, Jack Russell, Yorkshire Terrier and Cerberus: Guardian to the Gates of Hell.
Tired of not looking like Bono? Always wanted to, ‘protect [your] eyes from front, top, side & bottom‘? Well, if the answer is, ‘yes‘ and also, ‘I am too stupid to buy a hat’ then these ‘smart & stylish‘ glasses will solve all your problems.
They will also provide you with an excellent excuse the next time you are caught in the women’s bathroom at a pub. “What, me? A pervert? Look at my glasses! I am clearly blind or retarded!”
Handy Mini Lady Shaver
This is either a great gag gift for a male friend, or the reason your girlfriend gives to the police when they ask why she stabbed you six times in the abdomen.
After flicking through six or seven pages of socks that prevent deep vein thrombosis, I’m pretty sure this is a magazine primarily aimed at the elderly, which doesn’t explain why the woman modelling the Mini Lady Shaver is, at a push, in her mid-twenties. That look of sadness and despair in her eyes isn’t something you can do with acting; if you look closely, you can actually see her dreams dying.
Toe & Finger Nail Softener
Are your toe or fingernails now so hard that they prove too difficult to cut? If so, then thanks for reading my article, Wolverine! I hope my shopping tips helped you bed Jean Grey. Cyclops is a dick.
Super Easy Grip Nail Cutting
Oversized ‘Diabetic’ Socks
I didn’t change that, those sarcastic speech marks around diabetic were in the magazine, suggesting that even the people who sell wicker toilets (seriously) don’t think their magic socks actually work.
I’m skeptical about the actual level of voodoo present here, anyway, since for the princely sum of £13.98 all they claim to do is be both ‘extra wide’ and ‘extra long.’ You know, like a normal-priced pair of socks a size bigger than whatever size your feet are.
Portable Loo – His & Hers
‘Ever been caught without a toilet at hand? Now the problem is solved.’ I almost admire their cavalier attitude to public urination, because make no mistake that is all this contraption facilitates.
My biggest problem with this product is that I can think of nowhere I would want to use it where I wouldn’t be just as well going without it. At least then I get the added bonus of not walking away carrying a pint of my own waste.
Also? The guy who added ‘His & Hers‘ to try and make the product sound cute dresses like his dead mother. I guarantee it.
Extra Large ‘Hands Free’ Magnifier
Perfect for anyone that longs for the risk and excitement that only carrying a giant sheet of glass in front of your throat can provide, users are also afforded the fun of holding it up to their faces and pretending their whole family is a TV show!
Oh, here comes father, he looks upset! The son nods his head solemnly, signalling regretful assent. Now, the doctor approaches the screen with a syringe full of military-grade sedatives. Looks like you’ll be spending the holidays in an institution!
Merry Christmas, everybody!