Three Reviews for Films I Haven’t Seen Yet

I hate the cinema. Everything about it annoys me. When I went to see Wanted, two girls spent the entire film telling everyone how much sex they would have with Angelina Jolie, while a third friend protested loudly about them being ‘mad dykes’. I think the irony was supposed to be that they weren’t gay, but it came across less like irony and more like I wanted to punch them all in the face.

Anyway, my personal issues aside, here are three reviews for films I haven’t seen.



Starring: Taylor Lautner, Sigourney Weaver, Alfred Molina

Plot: Taylor Lautner struggles to be taken seriously as anything other than a set of ripped abs with learning difficulties, while the rest of the cast make a valiant attempt to create a sense of intrigue using a plot that, at best, could be described as flimsy and, at worst, be described as the reason for 9/11. I’m going to call it now: it will probably amount to him either being a state-funded science project or his father being a right-wing lunatic that put him through years of psychological and physical abuse so that he would be one day ready to fight the Red Menace. I’m pretty sure Americans actually worry about stuff like that.

Also, seeing Taylor Lautner in a leotard, grappling with another sweaty man has rocketed to the top of my ‘Reasons I’ll Never Have an Erection Again’ list. Runners-up prizes go to Kerry Katona and the day my mum said ‘did you know that there are people who wee on each other for fun?’

Bonus Review: My flatmate spent the entirety of this trailer earnestly asking, ‘What’s wrong with his face? Are they allowed to put them in films?’

Gist: It’s Jason Bourne for people who hate films.

Shark Night


Starring: A colour-wheel of walking stereotypes.

Plot: It literally took me three seconds into the trailer to figure out that this was a horror film (obviously before I knew what it was called.) It took me a further five to figure out who was going to die first (spoiler: it’s the black guy) and guess who would survive. My money is on either the gangly, socially awkward white guy or the blonde, sexually-repressed bikini that was reluctant to go in the first place. Oh, and it’s about sharks. At night, I guess. So, nocturnal sharks. Seems pretty straightforward.

What I’ve never understood about horror films revolving around aquatic peril is that surely the simplest solution is to just stay out of the water? Like, just don’t go in it. Ever. It’s sort of like the same way I’ve never been mauled to death by a polar bear; I just don’t go where they live. That crosses the line from reckless endangerment to straight-up natural selection.

Gist: 70% of this film will be spent watching things suddenly get pulled underwater or watching the camera slowly approach things from underwater.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1


Starring: The tattered remains of Michael Sheen’s career.

Plot: I have had it. I seriously give up. Why does this need two parts? To fit in all of Stephanie Meyer’s superbly crafted prose? So they could cram in more overlong shots of Taylor Lautner removing his shirt (possibly during torrential rain)? Maybe it’s to help Michael Sheen continue destroying a reputation built on genuinely compelling performances by playing a vampire that looks like Michael Bolton with polio.

Whatever the reason, this unkillable saga of poorly written, badly acted toss has lurched into it’s fourth instalment. Just to give you some perspective: the Godfather only had three parts. If I‘m ever called upon to present evidence of a Godless universe, my opening argument will be that people would rather sit through another three hours of Robert Pattinson’s lazy-eyed pillow talk than Marlon Brando’s best impression of a stroke victim. Speaking of which, the highlight of the trailer, for me, was hearing Edward Cullen’s latest philosophical masterpiece: “No measure of time with you would be long enough; but we’ll start with forever.” That blew my mind. I take it back, or rather I’ll say it again but not sarcastically: Stephanie Meyer is a genius.

Gist: I mean, it’s forever. That’s like…infinity. By definition, it can’t not be long enough: it never ends. Just like these god damn films.

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