Five Perfect Gifts (for Humourless Fuckwits)

In my first post of the season, I suggested ideal gifts for old people that you hate. Next, I helped you find unique presents for that special sociopath in your life.

In this third and final instalment –because I know I’m stretching it pretty thin by this point– I’ve selected five gifts for fucking idiots. Seriously, fuck you if you think any of these are a good idea.

Nothing

When my flatmate sent me this saying I should have put it on the last list I thought he was insulting me as usual by sending an empty link to imply that my writing was in some way insubstantial. Sort of like the way he stands in the corner of my room when I make love to a woman, screaming ‘you’ll never be good enough.’

Anyway, this product is eighteen levels of meta-gimmick; it’s wrapped in so many layers of pun that it’s in genuine danger of collapsing in on itself and causing the sun to go nova, wiping out all life as we know it.

Still think bad novelty gifts are cool?

Where this product really shines, though, is in the customer reviews. Allow me to demonstrate:

fantastically wrapped, it looked great, then it was opened…… and there was “nothing”, well they havnt stopped laughing, and have said what a great joke pressy to give”

Jesus, rainy2, what dire comedic straits are you in when giving someone a bad joke for Christmas is enough to send everyone into a whirlwind of hilarity. My advice is to stay away from the Christmas crackers or there will be one seriously confused coroner wondering what kind of cult decides to build a suicide pact around shared lack of a sense of humour.

“This is an excellent gift if you have a mate who is hard to buy for yet has a great sense of laughter- I bought it it for my mate an he cracked up laughing!!!!! It legendary”

You know, people like this are the reason Peter Kay got away with re-releasing the same bullshit DVD every Christmas for eight straight years. Also, ‘great sense of laughter’ sounds like you hunt comedians.

“I bought this for my 90 year old mother, who every year tells us that she needs nothing. So what to buy for the person who needs nothing?”

I don’t know, a gas heater? Seriously, if you’re the kind of person that decides to teach your ninety year old mother a lesson with callous gift-buying, it’s really only a roundabout way of telling the police you’ve been stealing her pension and putting carcinogens in all her meals.

Other users were less gushing in their reviews of the product. User Missmi decided she would use it to take a personal stand against a boyfriend who is indifferent to the season:

“ha. that showed him. bet he won’t say ” nothing” next time”

Missmi’s Boyfriend updated his relationship status: Single.

I could do a whole article based solely on the nutbags that bought this gift and felt the need to wax lyrical about it, but your time is precious and God dammit I said I would help you find a gift so let’s move on.

Christmas Pudding Bin Bags

Again, with the gifts that are only relevant for one month of the year, and also become completely moot as soon as you put them inside your bin (assuming you don’t leave bags of rubbish strewn around your house like a fucking animal.)

This is what a cartoon person would see if they were starving and walked past rubbish.

If the picture doesn’t make it brutally clear these are bin bags with a Christmas pudding printed on them. I don’t know if it was one inventor’s scathing satire on pudding ingredients or just a desperate man’s last attempt to squeeze some quick cash out of the yuletide market. Here’s what I do know: time and effort went into making these; we still haven’t cured cancer. Thanks, science.

Can’t we go back to our resea-NOT UNTIL THE BIN BAGS ARE MADE.

On the plus side, at least when the police break down the door and find you putting all the pieces of that dead hooker inside these things it will be a great way of letting them know in advance that you are definitely carrying a knife, have little to no regard for your own personal safety and, above all, will not be going down without a hell of a fight.

Control-a-Man Remote

Did you hear that? It was the sound of gender equality being put back fifty years.

The picture is too small to tell, but if this doesn’t come with a ‘black eye and make something up to the neighbours’ button then it’s only because it will be the 100% outcome of every use.

USB Mug Warmer

“AHHH OH GOD IT BURNS WHAT WAS I THINKING.” – Satisfied Customer.

Quick: where’s the last place you’d want to keep large amounts of liquid? If you answered any variation of ‘away from electronic devices’ then you weren’t in the product development meeting for the USB Mug Warmer.

Often the mistake we make as people is to assume that everybody is like us. For example, I looked at this product and immediately knew it wouldn’t work, but only because I have a laptop and I usually sit it on my legs when I’m on the couch. If I were to use the USB Mug Warmer it would become an insane balancing act wherein the best case scenario is a badly burned crotch and a hasty trip to A&E.

As an objective journalist (shut up I am) though, I had to look outside my own frame of mind and picture how other people might employ it. Say you work with your laptop at a desk? Good luck the first time you forget it’s plugged in and pick your laptop up. Maybe you use a desktop PC? Judging by the picture, the cable is about three inches long; most tower USB points are located halfway up the unit. Now you need a lid for your coffee so you can sit it sideways. God dammit, haven’t these people heard of Occam’s Razor?

That’s assuming you are fortunate enough to have USB ports on the front of the tower, mind you; otherwise you’ll be blindly grabbing round the back of your computer every two minutes to fetch what would elsewise be a lukewarm cup of coffee. But I mean, all that’s round there is a load of cables and a cooling fan. What the hell could go wrong there?

Oh, right.

Ring for a F*CK Bell

I kept that title exactly as it was on the website, because I like the idea of a company that endorses ringing a bell for casual sex, but draws the line at coarse language.

Personally, I think this product would be a nightmare for so many reasons. For one, it means explaining to every new man in your life how the system works before you start using it. Wouldn’t you just be better explaining your daddy issues while you put the ball gag on?

Actually that sort of brings me to the entire reason this product is completely useless: a man will fuck you for absolutely any reason. You don’t need the bell, you don’t need anything. If you want to do it he is up for it, at all times. I guarantee it.

At this point you might be wondering why I’ve automatically assumed this was a gender-specific product. It’s not because a man using this would look like town-crier for the city of Rape, but because I found it on a website for women’s bargain gifts.

If you are curious, the rest of their product list is devoted almost entirely to things shaped like cocks that frustratingly wouldn’t be fit for the one reason a woman might want a cock-shaped item that wasn’t an actual man’s cock in her life.

Well, I guess I could try jamming the handle up there. Seems silly, though.

 I’m going to be perfectly honest with you: I’ve never put a cock in my mouth, but I imagine it’s not the most pleasant thing in the world, so it is beyond me why a woman (or gay man, to be fair) would want to constantly re-create the experience in every single meal they have.

And from their partner’s point of view, that’s a pretty quick way to lose a cock the next time they go to bed and their lover confuses their junk for brunch.

I’ll take mine al dente.

Oh come on, I’m allowed at least one pun at this, the most wonderful time of the year. That’s pretty much it for what will perhaps become a tradition if I’m still toiling in obscurity this time next year. I hope you’ve enjoyed it and, if not, I hope someone gets you one of these gifts for Christmas.

Hava Nagila, fuckers!

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2 Responses to Five Perfect Gifts (for Humourless Fuckwits)

  1. Pingback: Twenty Topics that Keep Serial Killers Coming to My Blog | Rob Simple

  2. Pingback: Search Term Serial Killers II: This Time it’s Custodial | Still R.O.B.

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