It’s a common misconception that those ‘Things to do Before You Die’ lists literally refer to events that should occur prior to drawing your final breath, whereas they’re actually more about experiences that contribute toward a rich and fulfilling life.
Going through the internet’s various bucket lists, though, it’s hard to believe some suggestions aren’t specifically designed to make Death stand up from his desk, crack his knuckles and whisper, ‘challenge accepted’.
I didn’t make any of these up, they are all taken from lists of things people genuinely think are good ideas.
One word: Mauledtodeathbyashark.
Because nothing tells the world you’re tired of life like approaching it at terminal velocity.
Make Love on a Forest Floor
Science fact: Mountain bears are unable to distinguish between the sexual musk of their own and that of humans.
Bonus science fact: A mountain bear penis will cleave a human woman in half like wet timber.
Buy a Round-the-World Air Ticket and a Rucksack, and Run Away
Also, don’t tell anyone where you’re going. The police love a challenge, but at least that way they’ll already have you listed as a missing person when you turn up in a shallow grave six months later.
Spend a Night in a Haunted House — by Yourself
Do you know how most haunted houses get their reputation? Because something terrible happened there.
See an Active Volcano
Have you ever seen a film or story on the news about a volcano that was positive? No you have not because the only thing volcanoes are good for is wiping out villages and sacrificing virgins. And by ‘good’ I mean ‘horrible way to die’.
As far as I’m aware, there are only two ways to do this: undergo months of gruelling physical training to become a proper astronaut (then hope your rocket doesn’t explode) or get in a plane that flies as high as it can before plummeting directly towards Earth fast enough to simulate a state of zero gravity. So both good ideas, then.
Sing a Great Song in Front of an Audience
This one is only really dangerous if the song is ‘My Way’ and your audience is from the Philippines, where karaoke enthusiasts have been known to shoot people who perform it badly. True story.
Ask Someone You’ve Only Just Met to go on a Date
I’m not saying that anyone who instantly agrees to go on a date with a complete stranger is a murderer. I’m only saying that they probably are.
Lose More Money Than You Can Afford at Roulette in Vegas
When I went to Las Vegas the cleaning lady spent twenty minutes telling us how her son-in-law was abducted outside a bank and executed in the desert. People in Vegas do not fuck around with money. Remember: ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’ applies to your kidneys, as well.
Reflect on Your Greatest Weakness and Realise How it is Your Greatest Strength
Technically every human being’s greatest weakness is their mortality, so this is pretty reckless advice when you just know that the first thing anyone who thought they were immortal would do is put it to the test.
Handbrake Turn a Car While Traveling Over 30 mph
The website I found this on advised that perhaps you should first “take an extreme driving course where they teach you how to do handbrake turns (so you don’t crash your car or kill someone).” All I’m saying is if you have to learn how to do something in a way that won’t kill you or others around you then maybe it’s better not to do it at all.
Get in a Physical Fight
I have never been in a fight that I didn’t lose, so maybe it’s the coward in me speaking when I say that anyone who will happily fight you for fun is going to destroy you.
Eat Something That’s Alive
Not only is this intolerably cruel, but if there’s one time that an animal is at its most ferocious, it’s when some dopey prat is trying to stuff them down his fat, self-entitled gullet.
Run with the Bulls in Pamplona
For some reason the Spanish really seem to hate bulls —hate them– but in the spirit of good sportsmanship, every year they’re given a chance to get their own back by chasing humans with a death wish down narrow streets for half a mile.
Since it began in 1925 there have only been fifteen people killed, but I would like to point out that each of those deaths came about in one of two ways: trampled to death under a two ton animal or gored to death on a giant horn. Both as a result of something you entered into willingly.
That about does it for the list, if you want to try any of these things then be my guest; far be it from me to be a Debbie Downer on your borderline suicidal tendencies.
Just don’t be surprised if, upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter looks you up and down –taking note of the gaping hole in your abdomen recently occupied by a bull horn – shuffles his papers and says, ‘not tonight mate, we’re full’.