The saying goes that there’s no such thing as bad publicity, and –given that I spend at least fifteen minutes a day obsessing over my page hits– I’m resigned to agree with that. Because if I ever cared about the creepy shit that brings people to my site I’d probably have closed it down after the first article that mentioned Chun Li from Street Fighter.
See, what you perhaps didn’t know is that when someone visits my blog, it not only tells me what page they arrived at, but exactly what they typed into Google that lead them there. That’s right, internet: I know all your darkest secrets, you dirty, dirty people. And now, thanks to this list, everyone else can know them too.
Disclaimer: All of these searches are presented exactly as they were typed in, I did not alter them for comedic effect, a fact that will become painfully apparent as I struggle with some of the more boring entries.
Unkillable Lap Dance
Sometimes things only seem crazy until you put them into context. Hypothetically, you’d hear, ‘firmly grip the shift then pull until it detaches’ every day if you worked in a garage. As a prostitute, that’s some career-killing advice.
What I’m trying to make clear is that before I put ‘unkillable lap dance’ onto the list I Googled it to make sure it wasn’t the name of a feminist punk-band or something. Not a single thing came up.
And to be honest, I don’t know what worries me more about that: the fact that someone searched for an unkillable lap dance and ended up with my page, or that someone’s still searching for the woman who will grind his junk into a fine paste before she ever drops dead of exhaustion.
Geordie Shore Wet
I can’t be certain what this particular user was hoping to find, but since it’s the internet I’m going to assume it was porn-related, and having only ever seen the mutants they put on that show in adverts I can honestly say I’d rather actively take part in any of the other fetishes on this list than watch one of those beasts get aroused.
Strong Legs Girl
There are all sorts of practical reasons to want a woman with strong legs, and since it’s the internet I’ll ignore the wanton disregard for grammar that makes the query sound like a Japanese TV show and- wait, actually, hold on…Ah, I was so sure that one was going to turn out to be a real thing.
Stranger still, this exact search had three separate hits, suggesting that this guy really wanted to find his brawny-thighed mistress, and as much as I love a traditional love story, I’m afraid it looks like he never did.
Wii Remote in Vagina
Oh I’ve seen this, actually. It’s not bad.
Stamp on His Balls
I absolutely love it when people type entire sentences into search engines like, ‘Hello Google, could you tell me the weather in Helsinki today, please?’ or ‘Hi Google, me again. I know it’s late but could you find me some information on vacuum cleaner-based rectal prolapses? A&E told me to stop calling and time is kind of an issue. Thanks, Google.’
The downside is that the only people I’ve ever known to type this way are the elderly, meaning that there’s hypothetically a stomp-thirsty octogenarian somewhere in the world with a husband whose balls have no idea what lies in store for them.
Films are going to be in the future
This is maybe the only entry on the list without an at least tangential relation to sex, but similar to others I found it odd because of how it’s phrased. This person wasn’t trying to research the tumultuous future of a waning film industry, or what films would be coming out later in the year.
They just wanted to Google to know that films are going to be around in the future, and fuck you if you thought otherwise.
I respect a man that knows what he wants. He doesn’t have time for sweet-talking, getting to know a person, candles and all that gay music; he just wants to get down to business with some straight up buffalo fucking. I applaud your hubris, sir.
Just one question, though: Apart from right now, when have I ever talked about buffalo on my site?
Coked up bitch
Sometimes I get the feeling that I’m only getting half the query that people originally entered. This search would make total sense if it started with ‘Paris Hilton is a’ or ‘is it safe to drive when you’re a,’ but as it stands this sounds less like a question and more like a bored housewife passive-aggressively remarking to Google about the whore next door that’s sleeping with her husband.
Dogging at Strathclyde park in the 90’s
What is this, Missed Connections? Were you hoping to organise a reunion?
I know I’ve talked about Predator –the intergalactic bounty hunter and bane of steroid abusers– before on my blog so this one almost makes sense. Almost. Except for the fact that the Predator is a creature famous for having a face that looks like a vagina with teeth. And as any doctor worth his prescription pad will tell you: that simply should not be.
So given that even the most deranged pervert surely wouldn’t want sex with the most terrifying vagina on the planet, I’m left to assume someone has instead been looking for tips on how to seduce their molester.
Chun Li Fat Vagina
I already mentioned up there that Chun Li and her assorted genitalia have been something of a golden goose for my blog, and there was certainly no shortage of variations on the theme of ‘Chun Li naked/boobs/splits’ in the list of searches, but this one in particular stood out to me.
It’s not entirely uncommon to want a girl with a buxom bosom or ghetto booty, but never in my life have I heard a man say ‘There’s nothing I love more than a sexy, fat bit of clunge. I like to pretend I’m a hot dog.’
…You know, I thought this would just be a fun article to point out the kind of nutbags that stop by my page, but given half the new shit this post is going to throw up they’re going to be the only ones left reading in a fortnight.
Shitting on Glass Table
I can’t remember precisely at what point in my life I became aware that some people enjoy lying under a glass table and watching someone do number twos on it, but I’m glad (and upset) that I was already aware of the practice when I read this, otherwise I would have assumed it was just an angry man’s retaliation against his wife getting the coffee table in the divorce settlement.
Glass table poop
You might think it’s cheating to include two of the same search in the list, only worded slightly differently, but Rule 34 dictates that this search was looking for something entirely different.
Novelty Cheese Gifts Sponge
I had to read this about five times to really get a hold of what this person wanted, and I think I’ve got it worked out. Sponges and cheese are both yellow, and a porous cheese –such as Swiss– could conceivably give the illusion of being a sponge if carved into such a shape.
I’m something of an expert on shitty gifts, and as such I’ve concluded that the joke here was to be presenting someone with a gift they will think is a sponge (shitty gift) but is instead cheese, which is expensive as fuck. To be honest, if all you’re looking for is a financially irresponsible way to look like a complete dickhead, then why not do what premiership footballers do and fight a rape charge in court?
Chun Li Sucking Dicks
Again with the Chun Li, it’s a good thing this girl is both trained in self defense and fictitious. I don’t know why this is so funny to me, I think it’s the vulgarity of the request. Instead of searching for ‘Chun Li blowjob’ or just ‘Chun Li porn’ he (and I will always assume it’s a he) thought ‘nah fuck that, I’mma see a bitch suck some dick. YEAH!’ Then he high fives his flatmate and everything gets a little bit weird for a while.
I think I only find this so amusing because, in my mind, the search engine division of Google Headquarters is manned exclusively by the nice old ladies you used to see working switchboards in old TV shows. I like to think of them getting searches like this and shaking their heads while polishing their comically large spectacles, mumbling ‘oh deary me.’
Think of that the next time you type something depraved into Google.
Men How to Make it Look Like you Have Boobs
The peculiar word arrangement of this query suggests to me that this person was searching for one of those do-it-yourself guides they make for stupids, like ‘Computers for Anyone Born Before 1980’ or ‘A Concise Guide to the Hits of Status Quo’. That last one’s just a pamphlet. And there’s just a picture of dicks inside.
So, if this was a man looking to convince the world he had a lovely pair of lady’s breasts, I’m stumped. It’s not been the 80’s for more than twenty years now, and Eddie Murphy and the Wayan brothers all but killed any comedy there was left to be had in cross dressing.
Assuming you wanted to dress up as a woman for non-stupid reasons, though…I mean, you’re telling me you want to be a cross dresser and yet you’ve never watched one single episode of Ru Paul’s Drag Race? Chicken fillets in a bra, dipshit. Jesus, do I have to do everything for you?
Pasta Sex/Sex Pasta
I’m going to go ahead and assume that these two searches were from the same person, who pulled the classic ‘my batteries aren’t working’ trick of just putting them back in the other way round.
Either way, I’m not really sure what he hoped to find. Bawdy teen rom-coms have taught us there are many different food-stuffs you can stick your pickle in if you’re that way inclined, but pasta is probably the only thing I can think of that would be physically impossible to have any sort of sexual engagement with.
Then again, I suppose if you found a long enough piece of spaghetti you could try and choke yourself while you were having a tug.
Barry Manilow Outfit
I’ve enjoyed enough of his performances to know that Barry almost exclusively wears dinner suits, so it seems oddly specific to include his name, unless you also wanted some sort of latex mask to make you look like him.
That seems even more odd when you consider that —as I’ve pointed out in the past–Barry Manilow looks like a hollowed out showroom dummy that’s been barely containing the collective worlds evils for a almost three quarters of a century.
So if it’s a Halloween costume, you’ll probably win first prize.
God in Leather
This is it: not only the best thing to ever bring someone to my website, but probably the single greatest declaration made in human history.
At first I was worried this would turn out to be a Velvet Underground song or something, but a search revealed only numerous offers for leather-bound bibles. There were several ‘so and so looks like a god in leather’ but that’s not what this person asked for.
No, a mere mortal wasn’t enough for this user: they wanted God, the almighty creator, garbed in leather, probably a pair of leather trousers, if I’m not mistaken; doing something manly like lifting hay bales or slapping unruly women.
And if I know the internet –and I do– those leather trousers almost definitely had the arse cut out of them.