I’m Dreaming of a Shite Christmas: Ten More Useless Gifts for Horrible Wankers (Part I)

This might surprise you –being the humble, poster-boy for the working classes that I am– but I still sit down to write a Christmas list every year. Once I even implemented  a five-star rating system to the list, based on how much I wanted each gift; also so I could decide in which order I would save my family and friends if they were trapped under a log in a house fire.

While there is no doubt in my mind that what people really wanted to get me that Christmas was a smack in the mouth, I stand by my logic: if you’re going to spend money on a gift for me, then buy me something I want. I loathe novelty and/or joke gifts with a passion because they benefit absolutely no one except the vile beasts that manufacture and sell them.

It’s worth remembering, though: while all novelty gifts are useless, not all useless gifts are shitty. For example, I have absolutely no practical use for a black morphsuit and a plague-era doctor’s mask, but put them both together, and:

Some of you may recognise me from the foot of your bed, every night when you’re asleep.

The point I’m making is that the things on these lists won’t just be useless: they’ll be pointless, ineffective, potentially dangerous and I am certain that one is actually illegal. I cherish my family and friends dearly, but if you ever buy me any of these gifts, even as a joke —especially as a joke– I will punch you. I will punch you so god damn hard.

iWallet Case for iPhone 4

What the Website says:

The iWallet Case will protect your iPhone 4 and organise all your everyday stuff in your pocket. There’s slots for cards, cash and receipts and a window for I.D. cards, so it’ll keep everything together and you won’t have to carry around a bulky wallet. It snaps close with the magnet fastener to keep all your essentials close together without adding too much bulk to your iPhone 4. The iWallet is the perfect way to carry around all your essentials.

But when you think about it:

The iWallet Case is the perfect way to organise all your essentials for the busy mugger on the run. For too long the common pickpocket has been forced into the split-second decision between stealing just your wallet or just your phone, but thanks to the iWallet Case they can now do both; instantly robbing you of all your money, any means to contact someone who can help you (especially fun if it happens on a night out) and, best of all, when you go to the bank to get money without your card and they ask for ID? Your driver’s license was in the iWallet too!

Whoops!

Snore Stopper Boxing Glove

What the Website Says:

Are you sick of sleepless nights caused by the loud snoring of your better half? They’ll be a thing of the past with this Snore Stopper Boxing Glove. Keep the boxing glove next to your bed ready for the annoying nights when your partner is driving you around the bend with loud snoring. A little thump with the boxing glove will soon shut them up so you can get back to sleep. The Snore Stopper is a small boxing glove attached to a wooden handle. The length of the handle is great for the perfect blow, so you can stop watching every hour on the clock.

But when you think about it:

Domestic abuse is absolutely hilarious provided it’s done with props from a Three Stooges film. The only thing I hate more than novelty gifts are novelty gifts that in no way, shape or form would do what they purport to do. In what way is nudging someone with a shitty little glove on a stick a more effective snoring deterrent than just nudging them with your own hand and saying ‘shut the fuck up’?

Also, judging by how side-splittingly funny that cackling harpy finds the situation in the picture, I’d give it maybe three uses before her boyfriend straps on a real boxing glove and breaks her stupid fucking nose.

USB Fridge

What the Website Says:

Fresh from the fridge, a cool can is hard to beat, but by the time you’ve lost yourself at your computer for a while, your drink transforms itself into that tepid sickly beverage we all hate. Enter the USB Fridge, a natty little retro mini drinks cooler powered from your USB port. It’s perfect for keeping your tipple beautifully chilled as you work (or play) away, so you’re guaranteed not to be slurping away at some ghastly warm muck. Complete with an utterly pointless LED fridge light (though it does look pretty cool at night), and retro fridge styling, the USB Fridge will hold standard 300ml cans, and ensures that your chilled can stays that way.

But when you think about it:

I genuinely didn’t think I’d find a more stupid liquid-based USB product than last year’s USB Mug Warmer, but there you go; maybe next year I’ll be reviewing the five-gallon USB aquarium. I’m stalling to order my thoughts because I honestly don’t know where to start with this bag of bollocks.

First of all, how long are you sitting at the computer to let your drink go warm and flat? Unless your desk is on the surface of the sun it would take hours for your can of coke to even approach an undrinkable state. Assuming, then, that your problem is with drinking a room-temperature can of juice: go get a glass and some ice. Not got any ice? Fuck you, you should have come prepared. Do you think Sir Chris Hoy just goes into Halfords and buys the first bike he sees? Of course not: that shit takes preparation; it takes dedication. Not got time for that? Then you’re shit out of luck, son.

Enjoy your roasting can of Sprite, you fucking animal.

Dog IQ Test

What the Website says:

If you’ve ever wondered whether your dog could complete a crossword, memorise the phonebook or bark the alphabet backwards, now is the time to find out with the Dog IQ Test. Created by Dr Stanley Coren, Professor of Psychology at the University of British Colombia, the 12 cleverly designed tests will determine the Canine Intelligence Quota of your pooch. There are five tests that cover problem solving, and seven that examine learning ability and memory. The kit comes complete with a stopwatch, test book and a score/results guide so you can really see if your pet has more grey matter than its owner.

But when you think about it:

If you’re dog really does have any sense about him, he’ll tell you to fuck off.

Keyring Alcohol Breath Tester

What the Website says:

The Keyring Alcohol Breath Tester is a 3 step test that’s a must have item when you’re out on the town. Straightforward to use, simply hold down the power button until the LED turns green and blow across the top of the grill. If the light remains green, you’re under 0.05% BAC*, and should be in the clear. If the LED turns yellow, then you’re on the borderline of being over the limit and should think about using an alternative way to get home. A red light is when you really need to find a bus/taxi/sober friend, as you have exceeded the 0.08% BAC. Although this device should only be treated as a guideline, it will help you prevent making any more bad decisions as to whether you are really fit to get behind the wheel.

But when you think about it:

When he sent me the link, Dan made a point of emphasising that this was in the Christmas Gifts section of the website. Because nothing injects Yuletide cheer into an occasion more than reminding everyone in the room of vehicular manslaughter and tragedy. It’s also worth remembering that most electronic keyring attachments are notoriously unreliable, (assuming they even work at all,) so it’s mildly concerning that this already crass gift might end up convincing pissheads that they’re totally cool to drive.

If you want a practical review, though, then here’s my advice: if you’re so unsure about whether or not you’re suitable to drive that you have to fucking breathalise yourself then put your keys down, get a taxi to the police station and ask for a cell because you’re going to end up there anyway, you dickhead.

Half Spoon

What the Website says:

This Half Spoon is ideal for people who only like half a spoon of sugar in their cuppa. It can be difficult to know whether you’re actually putting half a spoon in your hot drink of choice with a regular spoon, but with the Half Spoon you know you’re getting no more or no less than half a spoon of sugar. A great idea for people who like their sugar measurements exact, with the Half Spoon you’ll be getting half the calories!

But when you think about it:

Maybe it was a lack of mercury in the water where I was growing up, but if I had a recurring issue with picking up too much sugar with my spoon, I’d start using a smaller spoon. I’m actually perfectly equipped to review this item because despite having the right number of chromosomes, I have very poor depth perception; creating an untold number of problems with walking into doors and putting a consistent amount of sugar into my cup of tea.

That’s why, several years ago, I made the switch to artificial sweeteners. They don’t cost any more than a bag of sugar, they’re better for you and you don’t look like a fucking buffoon every time you whip out your retarded little half-spoon in a café and advise the waitress that she ‘must apply the exact amount of sugar with this.’

sWaP Mobile Phone Watch

What the Website says:

For too long the mobile phone has dominated the landscape of techno communications, while the trusty watch was left alone on the bedside table, gathering dust while we, its selfish masters, galavanted from meeting to meeting, keeping time with our trusty pocket sized PDA’s. The mobile phone heartlessly usurped the watch of its fundamental duties but the ‘sWap Watch’ is out for revenge and will not stop until the mobile phone has gone the way of the Sun Dial and the Dodo.

But when you think about it:

That’s only a small excerpt from the five-paragraph dissertation in the product description, but I promise the rest is just as insane. Aside from watchmakers and the little wooden people that live in clocks, I can’t think of anyone else who could be so incensed at the convenience modern mobile phones provide us with. I especially can’t fathom the kind of nutter who thinks strapping a £200, considerably less functional iPhone to your wrist is the world-beating idea that would bring the industry to its knees.

I expect that right now he’s doubled over his computer desk at home –the walls covered in photos of Steve Jobs with the eyes scratched out– feverishly typing out another thesis on how the pony and trap is absolutely making a comeback and that asbestos poisoning is a small price to pay for walls full of asbestos.

Naked Apron for Men

What the Website says:

It might not be ideal when the mother-in-law is coming to tea, but for anyone else it’s perfect – The Naked Apron! If you’re looking for a novelty mens apron for a man who’s can cook up meat and two veg in with aplomb then this has to be it. Adding your own special sausage to the kitchen environment is hazardous, beware hot surfaces, quickly shut oven and fridge doors and short sighted knife-happy slicers and dicers. Otherwise it’s all good to go. Whip out the Naked Apron and ensure laughter and innuendo a-plenty!

But when you think about it:

First of all, I don’t think these people know what an innuendo is, because it’s certainly not a fake cock stapled to an apron. The only way it could be less of an innuendo is if there was a hole cut there instead for you to stick your own beef olive through. Assuming you have one, which you obviously do, because this is the Naked Apron for Men. They might be slightly remedial, possessing only a loose understanding of the English language, but if there’s one thing these people believe in it’s gender roles. A man with a cock-apron: hilarious. A woman? Anarchy.

Also, if you remember anything from home economics, fire safety videos and general common sense then you’re probably aware of rules such as never let a pot handle protrude over the counter and never leave the room when making chips in oil. All I’m saying is the reason no one ever added a caveat about swinging a prosthetic cock around as you work is probably because they assumed they didn’t have to.

Eye Massager

What the Website says:

Our Eye Massager is excellent for effective relief from stress, headaches and migraines. As seen on Richard and Judy and developed from Chinese acupuncture, massage and magnetic principles, it helps reduce headaches and migraines which are caused by extensive use computers, driving or studying and reading.

But when you think about it:

I don’t know about you, but when I need to unwind there’s nothing I find more relaxing than plunging my eyes into darkness and then having my skull rattled at a rate of knots until my teeth come loose at the gum. I don’t want to say this product wouldn’t work –I’m sure it’s every bit as effective as a medical practice that revolves around jamming needles into your person– it just seems like there a better ways to de-stress at the end of the day.

Personally, I write vitriolic short stories wherein I encounter anyone who has ever wronged me and then I disable them with a hammer.

Magic Wine Holder

What the Website says:

If you are looking for something to store your wine bottles in, but want something… different, then we have the thing. The Magic Wine Bottle Holder will display your prized bottle of plonk with amazing, gravity defying aplomb! With a stylish dark brown leather-like finish this bottle holder can be placed anywhere- as long as it is on display, because it really does deserve it!

But when you think about it:

As even the casual wine enthusiast will tell you, the best storage methods are wildly impractical while at the same time insulting the intelligence of all your friends when they come to visit.

“Look! It holds the bottle of wine, and it’s not falling over or anything! Can you believe this!?”

“Yes. Because we’re not in Paranormal Activity and you’re not a witch. Can I have a glass of wine, now?”

“…If I take the bottle out, the stand falls over.”

“I wish you were dead. I wish I was dead. I wish Santa had brought your mum an abortion for Christmas the year she was pregnant with you.”

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3 Responses to I’m Dreaming of a Shite Christmas: Ten More Useless Gifts for Horrible Wankers (Part I)

  1. twindaddy says:

    The naked apron is fucking awesome!

    • robsimple says:

      If I went round a friends house for dinner and he was wearing that, I’d just climb in the oven because I’m guessing he’s going to kill me sooner or later, anyway.

  2. Pingback: Search Term Serial Killers II: This Time it’s Custodial | Still R.O.B.

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