I’d Like to Thank The Academy….

Well, it’s finally happened. True genius is being recognised and I’ve been nominated for an Oscar. Not the ones decided by a catacomb staffed with the propped up, dessicated corpses of actors from eighty years ago, but an internet-based award. I think we can all agree that’s much more important, although I do feel silly for putting on this frock and writing an acceptance speech.

(Amazingly, I have no photos of me wearing a dress so, instead, here’s one from when I thought I was nominated for a MOBO:)

Amazingly, I have no photos of me wearing a dress, so instead, here's one from one I though I was nominated for a MoBo.

#thuglife

Anyway, the award I think I’m getting for services to poor taste is the Liebster award, which apparently means ‘dearest’ in German. Did you know that the German for ‘hospital’ is ‘krankenhaus’? Apparently the Germans don’t have a word for ‘subtlety’.

nordic-bliss-liebster-award

Now, there are some rules here that I should lay down before proceeding, they are as follows:

1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
2. Answer the questions that the tagger set for you plus create 11 questions for the people you’ve tagged to answer.
3. Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
4. Go to their page and tell them.
5. No tag backs!

Alright people, drop your trousers and grab your ankles, I’m going in…

11 Facts About Rob

  1. I once saw a two-headed fox. No one is going to tell me otherwise.
  2. I am regularly confused for Calvin Harris.
  3. I used to be in a band called Little Black Wings. We regularly performed to upwards of ten disinterested people a night.
  4. If I was a pornstar my screen-name would be Buxton Lovefist.
  5. I can list almost every song Suede ever recorded; including B-sides and demo’s.
  6. I can drink a pint of Guinness in one go.
  7. I once ate an entire block of corned beef like it was hand-fruit.
  8. I’ve seen Withnail & I at least thirty times.
  9. One day I hope to open a dog sanctuary, and adopt the title of ‘Beastmaster’.
  10. I own many suits and, unlike most people my age, I don’t look like I’m on my way to court when I wear them.
  11. Oh, I also have an honours degree. This is bottom of the list because it turned out to be worth fuck all.

Right, that’s round one smashed out the park. Round two: let’s do this. YASSSSSSSSSSSS.

Knowing Me, Knowing You

1. What is your favorite brand of frozen pizza? Chicago Town. I ate thirty of the little ones in the space of two weeks to win an iPod dock I never, ever use.
2. What is your favorite item at McDonald’s? Double cheeseburgers. Two of them and a milkshake, then I lie on the couch and think about everything that’s went wrong in my life.
3. Have you ever been to Disney Land or World? I’ve been to whatever one is in Florida. It was thoroughly disappointing and I am terrified of mascots/paedophiles.
4. Favorite display in your local zoo. Bears. I fucking love bears. If I’m ever given a week to live I’m throwing myself in the bear pit and hugging a bear until it tears my bastarding head off.
5. Tastiest beer. Stella Artois with a dash of lime. The best thing about Stella is the police won’t even answer a domestic if they know you’ve been drinking it, because that’s what it’s made for.
6. What is your favorite thing to blog about? Insanely shit films and batshit insane films.
7. Favorite Beatles song? Nowhere Man, given the choice my answer will always be whatever song sounds the most optimistically miserable.
8. What’s better, original 3 Star Wars movies, or newest 3? I’ve only seen the newest 3. If you listen carefully, you can hear keyboards smashing all over the internet, right now.
9. What was your favorite pet? Catface. Even though he was a little dick that shat all over the house, he was fun to look at.
10. Tic Tacs, breath mint or candy? Reason for projectile vomiting on a car window at the age of six.
11. Tic Tacs, favorite flavor? Whichever ones aren’t covered in vomit.

Now I need to think of 11 questions, in retaliation? I’ll try my best:

1. Would you rather have really long fingers all the time, or thumbs that changed length at random?

2. Quick, you’ve shat yourself in a crowded public place: what’s your plan of action?

3. If you were to become a dictator, what country would you rule with an iron fist?

4.Well, the apocalypse is here. You have to choose one celebrity to re-populate the world with and another to start your New World Order with. Go.

5. You’re at the zoo and a monkey just punched you. What a dick. Do you pretend nothing happened and walk away with wounded pride or punch it in it’s stupid monkey face and risk being branded a monster?

6. If you were to become a professional wrestler, what would your wrestling name and catchphrase be?

7. Would you rather be World’s Strongest Man or Mr Universe (i.e. function over form)?

8. Pierce Brosnan has been throwing litter in your garden for months. You know no one will believe you because he is Pierce Brosnan, so how do you take your revenge?

9. If you could choose how you die, except for in your sleep, how would you go?

10. N*Sync or The Backstreet Boys?

11. I fucking hate swans. If you could get into a fight with one animal, with a reasonable chance of victory, what would you fight?

Well, I think I kept to my high standards throughout that exercise, now is the tricky part though, as I’m s’posed to list 11 people to answer these questions, but I only follow two or three people on here because they don’t incessantly blog about their cats and how lonely life is when you’ve knitted yourself a fake family.

I suppose I should use this as an opportunity to get out there and find some great new people to follow, but fuck it: lazy. So apologies for renegading on the rules and doing a tag back.

1. Beefy

2.Twindaddy

Well, that about wraps things up, I’d like to close by saying thanks for the nomination and just reminding people that a dream is a wish your heart makes; reach for the moon and you’ll land among the stars; and if you’re going to murder a hooker, make sure the souvenirs you take from the kill can’t later be used to identify her.

Peace, I’m out like shout.

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8 Responses to I’d Like to Thank The Academy….

  1. twindaddy says:

    Reblogged this on Stuphblog and commented:
    Thanks, Rob. I just accepted this award so I won’t be doing so again, but thanks for the nomination!!

  2. The Cutter says:

    You were disappointed by Disney World? It’s the happiest place on f***ing earth! How could you be disappointed?

  3. beefybooyawn says:

    First off let me start this answerfest by saying that this entire post dominates. I’m glad I gave that award to you. Holy shit, I was going to point out a few of your answers that I liked, but they all rock. You sir, deserve that award. Wear it with pride. Or throw it out, I don’t give a shit.

    Now for the answers to your amazing questions. Here goes.
    1. After considerable thought, I would rather have long fingers. Randomly changing fingers or thumbs would suck. Plus I think my wife would enjoy the constant long fingers. Just sayin.

    2. I’ve done this. Here’s what happened. I thought I had to fart, but what turned out to not be a fart was a spray of the liquid shits. I quickly ran to the bathroom as if I were about to vomit, which technically I just had out of my ass. I took my undies off in the bathroom and threw them in the garbage and then finished what my ass had started. I free balled the rest of the night. It was nice.

    3. Amsterdam. That’s where all the good drugs are. My second choice, America. Somebody needs to do something with this fucking place.

    4. Holy shit, my dreams have come true! The apocalypse! AND I get to fuck my number one celebrity pick for fucking? I want to restart the world with Megyn Price. There’s something about her (her body) that makes me want to do things to her that would make ME blush. Now another celebrity to start the NWO with? Uh… Hugh Jackman. I need Wolverine to help me out. Then again he’d probably fuck my woman and who am I to stop him? He’s fucking Wolverine, right? So I’d have to say somebody less attractive than me… uh… damn… how about… no… Woody Harrelson. Now he’s still more attractive than me, but he smokes more weed than me, so we’ll get along just fine.

    5. Fuck monkeys. I’m sick of them, always on TV just to get the audience to react with an “Awww” or stupid fucking canned laughter at its crazy little monkey shenanigans. I hate them. It’s like when after 7 years a sitcom will introduce a very young kid to the show because they’ve run out of ideas, and the kid just so happens to not only have a huge vocabulary but also tons of jokes. I hate them too. So yeah, I’d totally punch a monkey in the face. Fuck a monkey.

    6. Interesting. You do know I worked in pro wrestling for a while, right? I went to school to become a wrestler and when that failed I became a play by play commentator. There are DVD’s out there with my voice all over them. But when I was in school to become a wrestler I was going to wrestle under the fake name of Alan Roberts with a friend of mine who joined the school with me and we were going to be Bad Company and come out to the song. But a catch phrase? I never thought of one. How about, “You spin me right round baby right round like a record baby right round round round!”

    7. World’s Strongest Man. Those Mr. Universe guys look disgusting. Can they even wipe their own asses?

    8. I would go to his house one night and walk the perimeter, dropping various insects of doom around the base of his house, like termites, fire ants, scorpions, roaches, and alligators. If I could find an open window, I’d totally drop in a ton of roaches and one alligator. Just because. I’d also leave a note telling him how much better his performance in Mars Attacks! was than his James Bond.

    9. Butt plug incident gone wrong.

    10. Seriously? I have to pick one? Backstreet Boys, only because when I’m forced to pick out of two options that I don’t want to pick either of, I almost always go with the second one. Don’t know why.

    11. That fucking monkey from earlier! Fuck him! Sure I shouldn’t have been that close to the cage for him to punch me to begin with, but that’s neither here nor there. HE’S an animal and I’M a human. So fuck him, he better recognize my superiority. I’ll totally whoop a monkeys ass.

    I hope those were good enough. Thanks again for playing along. You’re one of two who did out of the nine or so I listed. Which is why I hate listing blogs for awards because nobody gives a shit about them. I find them interesting in a non-interesting way.

    • robsimple says:

      That was a thoroughly enjoyable read, my favourite part was trying to remember what the hell I asked you based on some of your more insane answers. Also, max respect to anyone willing to admit they shat themselves in public; I had a similar incident, although I couldn’t access a toilet so I had to wipe my arse on a pole and throw my boxers up a tree.

      I instantly regret telling the world that.

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