I recently celebrated my two-year anniversary on WordPress, which was weird because I didn’t think two years was a milestone but WP seems to think it is, so who am I to judge. In looking back at my time here, I’m stunned by how shitty some of my older stuff is, so I’ve decided that this week I will re-write a few old articles and try and make them actually funny instead of ‘what’s the most offensive thing I can say’ funny.
I know that’s a bit of a cop-out when I could be writing new material instead, but when my work largely amounts to hyperbole about paedophiles and GBH, do you really care what context you receive it in?
In the meantime, I’ve been tagged again in another one of those questionnaire things by the inimitable Beefy and I figured that was as good a way to kick off the festivities as any. There don’t seem to be any awards going, this time, but God knows I won’t let that get in the way of an opportunity for me to run my mouth for a thousand more words.
Before we get started, though, there are some rules to consider:
1. Post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you.
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged.
Alright, while I desperately try to scramble together another eleven facts about my miserable life, why don’t you all bask in the splendour of my beautiful face (ladies, you might want to pop a towel down before proceeding):
Okay, fact time:
- I once crashed my bike so hard that I flew far enough to complete a full flip and land flat on my back.
- I throw up in my mouth, a little bit, on an almost daily basis. I should probably go to the doctor.
- If I was given a week to live, I’d throw myself in front of a learner driver, so they can never, ever pass their test due to PTSD.
- I once got so into Animaniacs for the Sega Mega Drive (Genesis) that I forgot to go to the toilet and pissed myself.
- Every weekend for about two months, when I was young, I used to watch all three Aladdin films, back to back, over and over again from when I woke up until I went to bed. In retrospect, I should maybe have been tested or something.
- I’ve been punched in the face at least three times, that I can remember, yet my massive nose remains unbroken.
- I can make myself sneeze at will. I can teach you how, as well.
- I once saw Ant & Dec in a chip shop near where I lived.
- I can walk for about twenty miles without stopping, but if I try to run for more than two minutes my heart starts playing ‘Wipeout’ against my ribcage.
- I want to emigrate to Canada because I think it’s the best place ever. I am deadly serious.
- If I had to choose my favourite Bond, out of all them, it would have to be low-yield.
Okay, next I have to answer the taggers questions, which means I need to go dig out the post from a few weeks ago. While you’re waiting, why not enjoy this chimp on a pushbike.
1. Creamy mac n cheese or powder mac n cheese? My home-made macaroni cheese is one of the very few dishes I would let other people eat. It’s not that the rest are bad, I just put a lot of chillis in everything else and, when the flat only has one toilet, it’s poor form to ask that your guests shit in the bath tub.
2. Snow or rain? Being that those are the only two types of weather we get in Glasgow, I’m going to have to say snow, since it’s at least pretty to look at.
3. Thick crust or thin crust pizza? Thick, I don’t get out of bed for a thin-crust; it’s like eating a greasy envelope covered in processed cheese.
4. Hamburger or cheeseburger? Given the choice, I will put cheese on everything. I don’t trust people that don’t like cheese. Or beans, for that matter.
5. Unleaded or premium? For a car, or putting in a bottle and throwing at the side of a church?
6. Beer or liquor? If I’m at the pub then beer, because it’s cheaper in terms of how long it takes to drink, but when I’m drinking alone in the house and throwing darts at photos of women who have wronged me? Gin and tonic.
7. Green grass or high tides? Is this a drug thing? I’ve fallen for this, before, bloody sniffer dog nearly had my balls off.
8. Paper books or e-books? I prefer a hard copy of everything, and I can’t look erudite by sitting a load of Kindles on my shelf.
9. Dog or cat? Dog, owning a cat put me off the experience for life, after he spent six months systematically shitting and pissing on everything I love.
10. Car or truck? What’s the context? Running people over? Hiding dead hookers? Transporting Romanian immigrants to their exciting new life in the sex trade? Actually, come to think of it, it would be truck for all three of those. So, a truck.
11. Fly or drive? I can legally do neither (I swear, you make one joke about shoebombs, and suddenly you’re banned from every national airport and put on the government’s ‘persons of interest’ list.)
Well that was relatively painless, I guess it’s time for me to come up with questions of my own:
- Barack Obama is the first black President of the United States. What is your favourite Beatles album?
- Would you rather fall from a great height head-first or arse-first?
- A sex-maniac has broken into your home and demanded that you insert the nearest household item into your bottom if your life is to be spared. What’s going up the old dirt trail?
- Barry Manilow has got drunk at a book-signing and wet himself. It just so happens that you are wearing matching trousers. Do you help him out, trading the shame of piss-stained of trousers for a great anecdote, or leave him to sit in his moist shame?
- Alec Baldwin is drunk again, stripped to the waist and fixing for a fight. You know he has the upper-hand through brute strength and general insanity, how do you subdue him?
- You’ve been caught shaving local cats, again, and the judge gives you the choice between a twenty hour marathon of ‘Real Housewives of the Orange County’ or a night in prison where you will almost certainly be buggered.
- While at a recording for The X Factor, Simon Cowell spots you in the audience and invites you to his dressing room. When you enter he is dressed in blackface and ladies bloomers. You realise his intentions after discovering the door has been locked from the outside, but you know no one will believe you. What do?
- You notice some policemen beating up a black man down an alleyway. Upon closer inspection you realise it is Lenny fucking Henry. Do you do the right thing, and walk away, or step in and start interfering, as usual?
- You’ve just woken up next to a dead politician with the murder weapon in your hand. The police are breaking down the door as we speak. Think fast.
- You’re waiting at a bus stop when the woman next to you starts having a heart attack. For some reason you have the necessary medical knowledge to save her, but as you wade into the fray you realise she is wearing Crocs. Seriously, why the fuck would anyone actively choose to wear Crocs?
- I mean, even if tomorrow every other shoemaker in the world announced they no longer made shoes in my size, I would sooner cut my fucking toes off to squeeze into a ten than wear those rubber atrocities. Ugh…who was your favourite Friend in Friends?
That was an emotional rollercoaster, I feel drained after that. Now we arrive at the problem, however: as I pointed out in my last questionnaire, I don’t really follow very many people –and two of them have already completed this– so instead I’ve come up with a new idea.
For everyone who replies to these questions in the comments section, I will follow you…Down an alley and beat the shit out of you. No not really, I mean I’ll subscribe to your blog. Because if you’re warped enough to actually take the time to answer the stupid shit I’ve just written, then I definitely need you in my life.
Peace out, crackers!